When we lean into death we transform

Today marks one year since my Grandad died. Note my use of the word died. Not passed, or transitioned, or another word that our culture uses to soften or deny death and dying.

Death is one of the few constants we all have as humans. Our culture does us a real disservice in denying it. In doing so, we also deny an important aspect of our humanity and wholeness. Plus we assume a fragility and inability to be with death, that I know now to be completely false.

The net result of this for far too many humans is that in denying death, we also deny ourselves the chance to truly live in the beauty of our impermanence. Plus the vast personal transformation that walking the path with and caring for someone who is dying also brings.

I was lucky to walk Grandad’s final chapter with him. Visiting him every week in his last year and then sleeping on an armchair next to his bed in his final days.

At the time, I was reading Frank Ostaseski’s brilliant book, "The Five Invitations.” A book that gently guides us through what leaning into dying and death can teach us about living fully.

In the beautifully aligned timing that so often is, I finished reading it the night before I got the call from my Dad to say that Grandad was dying. In the book, Frank sets out his Five Invitations to help us navigate death and any of life’s transitions.

The Five Invitations on “what death can teach us about living fully” are:

1. Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing

If the past year has taught me anything, our human capacity is vast to welcome everything that life brings us. Even the death of a dearly loved one. In being open to it all, even in our pain, grief and discomfort - we allow ourselves to grow and transform. In his final year, my intention was simple… to be fully present for my Grandad and meet him exactly where he was - no matter what.

2. Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience

Whether as we care for someone who is dying, or in everyday life - there are often parts of ourselves that we shun and disconnect from. When we allow ourselves to accept all aspects of our self, including the ones that make our toes curl, we connect deeper into our compassion and humanity. This includes accepting our fears, anger and moments when we feel helpless.

3. Don’t Wait

This past year has seen me lean in to dying, death and grief in a multitude of ways. From the anticipatory grief with three grandparents at various stages of dying (with my Nan and Ammama still journeying), to the sudden trauma in a diagnosis and death of a loved one just a few days later. Far from being the “boogie monster” in the room to be scared of, in allowing myself to be with and accept death I learnt how to truly appreciate and live life. Releasing ancestral fears of death passed down through both sides of my family.

4. Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things

Dying and death can at times be messy - as can many aspects in our lives. Daily mindful rituals like meditation and breath work support me in cultivating a deeper sense of presence. As well as a toolkit of practices that I can quickly do in a micro-moment - where I bring all of my attention onto the 3 points of my breath, my feet grounded on the floor and (where relevant) any nature that surrounds me like the beautiful old oak tree outside Grandad’s window. Using these as my anchors to find presence and calm.

5. Cultivate a Don't Know Mind

This is all about bringing your Beginner’s Mind to the party. Like a child deeply observing in curious wonder. Just be here now with what is, with a willingness to not know what is to come. Cherishing every moment as it comes, because the mystery of life and its impermanence means we simply do not know where this path will take us.

I feel passionately that our culture's denial when it comes to dying and death is doing humanity a disservice in so many ways.

Following Grandad’s death, I felt a call to go deeper into this area of study - alongside continuing to lean in through my life experience and work in the community. So that I can support my clients and community in bringing death out of the shadows. Training as an End of Life Doula earlier this year with Living Well Dying Well, walking my own complicated path in grief this year with presence and connection, and volunteer work in my community.

My mission is to help us as humans to walk our path back to interconnected wholeness, through embracing it all - including death. I am currently working on some dedicated offerings in this space through group programmes and workshops. I can’t wait to share them with you once they bloom. To be the first in line, please email me to join the waitlist.

If you have made it this far and want to learn more, I highly recommend starting with Frank Ostaseski’s book, “The Five Invitations.’